6/24/04

Ok, I am finally getting some words down.... This is hard. I know that Jerry is in a better place. This is not about that, like you said the other day, Sue. What about you? It is about this place... the place where we are still at. It will never be the same. Not without Jerry. Sue, you know this better than anyone. Katie, Eric, Mike and MJ, too, of course. Jerry's family, too. And Pam. How do you even think of things that do not include him? It is hard to go there, but I guess we all have to. We just don't want to. I just feel so sad, my heart aches.

We always made plans; vacations plans, retirement plans, plans to get together for dinner. Well, now what? I guess we try to continue and make different plans? We keep our chins up high, and try to enjoy life as much as Jerry did? That will be hard. I am sure that is what he would want. He would want you to enjoy every little thing life brings your way, Sue. How do you do that with such pain in your heart? I guess we have to understand that that pain is love. To be so sad, to hurt so much, to miss someone so terribly, equals a lot of love. This is something to be grateful for, as odd as that seems. I guess what I mean is that I have a lot of memories ~ fun, laughter, and a lot of good times. If taking the pain I feel in my heart means giving up the memories, I will endure the pain. I will carry it with me and hope God mellows it out in time. I will know that it is from love and that will make it somewhat bearable. I will pray the pain becomes a teeny bit less each day until the all memories fill our hearts. It is a lot of pain though.

Sue, you and Jerry were special to me for close to 20 years. We had some wonderful times together........ I was always ready to get together with the Babcocks. I knew when we went for too long without doing anything, I would go through what I called "Babcock Withdrawal". I never cared where we would go. I didn't care because I knew each time would be a fun evening. McDonald's would be fine with me! The company couldn't be beat.

Our Hawaii trips were the highlights of my middle-aged life! How great those trips were. Our biggest worry would be if "our" hot tub was available. Life was good...

8/23/04

Sorry I never finished on 6-24. I ended up crying too much, that I couldn't think straight, and was afraid I was not making sense. I guess that really doesn't matter, though, does it? I am going to write some more, and maybe I will come back here and write some more at a later time, as I remember some more "Jerry Moments".

Jerry was one of a kind. His personality filled a room like no one else's. His humor & wit made him so much fun to be around. During some dinners I remember asking him not to speak so I could have a second to take a sip of my drink or swallow my food, always in fear of losing it from laughing. We always had fun. Always. It was one of the few things in life I would count on~ having a blast with Jerry & Sue. What a team you were.

I cannot tell you how happy I was to have you both back at the Christmas party. I have pictures still on my memory stick. Some are true "Jerry" pictures, too.

Sue, you both got me through the roughest part of my marriage. I would not have lasted through that without your words of wisdom, support, and patience. (How did you handle all my annoying phone calls?)

I will always appreciate our friendship. Anything you might need me for, please call. I need to be a part of your lives. It has been hard for me to go to where I face the true reality. I think of all of you, and I feel like I do not have the right to be that selfish. I know that probably seems silly to you, but I feel like I should not feel badly for myself, because it cannot be near the pain that all of you feel. My heart breaks for you, and I try not to think of my own loss. It is there, and I keep it in check. I will be ok, as I have my own life's distractions (and there are some good ones, too). I would like be there for you to help in any way possible. Life can just really, really suck. Excuse my language, but it can.